I don't fit into their box. So, I'm creating my own.

All of my life i a have never fit in. The expectations that society has are just lost on me. I'm sure that if I went to the appropriate doctor I could be diagnosed with ADHD, take medication, and force myself to fit in this tiny box that society has created for me, but I want more. I don't want to merely exist, to live to work is not something that appeals to me. So, I don't go to the doctor and I don't take medication and I have decided to stop making myself miserable in order to make everyone else comfortable with my life. I've stopped telling myself that I'm a failure and that I'll never be happy. I've started telling myself that there's nothing wrong with me and that I can make a life in which I am happy.

As a child I didn't do well in school. As an adult I don't do well in a 40 hr work week. Being able to focus on one thing for 8-12 hrs a day 5-6 days a week is too much for me. In school I was always daydreaming or doodling and I didn't do my work so they put me in "slow" classes. As an adult I get over stimulated by trying to maintain work relationships and trying to stay focused. I get bored and I move on or I get tired of having to work so hard to maintain good work relationships and then I get burned out. I am very matter of fact and at work I just want to get things done. I hate the politics and I hate the drama. Also, too many rules and regulations in the work place. Why should anyone tell me how I can have my own hair or finger nails? Traditional work places are not for me.

So I'm trying a new way of life. I realize that there is not just one world, just one society. I'm making my own world now with self acceptance and trying new things. The following are things I've been working on to cultivate this new world where I am happy and free to be my true self.

• I don't try to change myself. I accept myself and love myself. No more beating myself up.
• I re-frame negative thoughts I have about myself. When I catch myself thinking things like"I'm so stupid." I try to notice that as my feeling but then acknowledge reality. "I am human and I'm just disappointed right now"
• I evaluate whether I really like something or if I just like that other people like what I'm liking and answer myself honestly. I've always been a people pleaser and I'm done molding my life to make others happy or comfortable.
• I meditate. Observing my feelings helps me to be curious about them and separate myself from them. It also helps with breathing, which calms me and helps me to build my focus naturally.
• I work a part time job 3 days a week and supplement my income with creative efforts that stimulate my brain and let me be me, like writing, reading audio books, photography, small sewing projects, and produce from the garden.
• I also stay away from mainstream media and social media. They're meant to be triggering and that's the last thing I need. That is why I am here sharing my life with you and I'm thankful for that.

I hope that people reading this can relate and find something that helps them.
Thank you for reading my post and I hope you're having a beautiful day.