![insomnia 1.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmNjYStowyQy87nEommokSjF6XEkmsLDrf7FUisHKVbooJ/insomnia%201.jpg)

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> _HELLO, EVERYONE!!_ > HI!! > HOWDY!! > HELLO!! > I’M THE MADMAN LIVING INSIDE THE MADMAN LIVING INSIDE @BRANDT’S MIND’S MIND!! > NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN!! > TONIGHT IT IS MY ABSOLUTE _PLEASURE_, TO INTRODUCE TO _YOU_, THE ONE AND ONLY _MADM_— Shut your fucking face, madman. I don’t need any introduction from you tonight. > BUT I WAS JUST TRYING TO— Shut your goddamn fucking face! One more word outta you and this whole show goes up in fucking smoke forever! … … Good madman! That’s a good madman! **Ahem.** ### Good evening and hello. It’s me again, the madman living inside @brandt’s mind. Welcome to Episode 1 of Week 2 of The Neverending Standup, which is also Episode 5 of Season 1, and also Season 1, Week 2, Episode 1. If you’re confused right now, that’s okay, because so am I… **Anyhow!** It’s so good to see all of your big beautiful smiles again! Although, I honestly can’t tell for sure if you’re smiling at me, or gnashing your teeth at me right now, because I was up all night and my eyes aren’t really focusing correctly right now. ### That’s right, _insomnia!_ If you’ve never tried it before, I highly don’t recommend trying it! Last time I was up here rambling like a madman, [we met the madman living inside _my_ mind](https://steemit.com/humor/@brandt/congratulations-you-have-been-selected-to-consume-this-content), which was a bit unexpected to be honest. But! I was able to fend him off over the weekend by abstaining from alcohol. I haven’t had a drink in three days, which means his influence is severely limited, which is good. On a completely unrelated note, I also haven’t been able to _sleep_ for three days. But that’s okay, I’ve always been a sucker for sleep deprivation! It makes you feel so _alive_ inside the part of you that’s _dead_ inside! So, last night I went to bed, because I wanted to sleep, and sleeping is one of the main things you do in beds. So I figured, alright, this makes pretty good sense. There is a _bed_, that needs to be slept in, and here is _me_, who needs to sleep. I will now **sleep**, in this **bed**. Unfortunately, my bed had other ideas. _What in hell do you think you’re doing, lying down all over me like that! You get yourself right the fuck outta me, right the fuck now!_, my bed respectfully suggested to me. So I did as my bed suggested, and as I rose up from it, I sent an imploring look over to my nice and cozy reclining La-Z-Boy and it immediately said _Not a goddamn chance, @brandt._ Which worked out fine in the end, because that was about the same time I heard my carpet ask—nay, _demand_—that I begin pacing back and forth across it for an unspecified length of time, but bare minimum, at least until the sun comes up. **So I paced back and forth,** back and forth, back and forth, all night long. **It was a ton of not fun, and I highly don’t recommend trying it!** Anyway, all that to say, if you were wondering why I’m standing up here holding this 100-ounce travel coffee mug… **_that’s_ why!** ### Yes, it IS full of straight espresso! Actually I’m think I’m down to about three-quarters full now! I do believe I chugged the first 25 shots right on the spot right there in Starbucks! I don’t know how the rest of you handle sleep deprivation, but I like to handle it with intentional drug overdoses! On my way here this evening I made my way shakily into that Starbucks and I ordered—nay, _demanded_—that no less than 100 shots of espresso be deposited immediately into my gigantic-ass travel mug, and as I stood there with both of my eyelids twitching furiously and my nostrils flared as if prepared to exhale fire from on high and my travel mug extended in the general direction of the barista, _he_ just stood there staring at _me_ like I was some kind of _madman!_ _{You want… _100 shots of espresso!?_} ###### That’s right you heard me right young man! I want 100 shots, in this mug, right the hell now, or I’m gonna sic my army of immortal robot goats and programmable robowolves on _you_ for threatening _me_ with not being allowed to have ONE HUNDRED SHOTS of espresso in this mug, _right the hell now!_
And so here I am, _glug_, standing up here again for some reason with a whole bunch of nothing to talk about! Exhausted, but still can’t manage to find sleep! _100 shots of espresso on the wall, 100 shots of espresso!! Take one down, pass it around, 99 shots of_—WAIT, why am I singing all of a sudden? _What_ am I singing? And how did all that espresso get on the wall instead of down my throat? _glug glug glug_ ### _Greetings, Madam Insomnia! Tonight I sleep with THEE!_ What happens when the only thing that makes you happy, also makes you sad? _glug_ You could give it up in order to stop being sad, but then you’ll just end up not being happy as a result. _glug glug_ Is that a fair trade, to trade not being sad, for not being happy? Does that make any sense? How many days without sleep can you go before you just die of exhaustion? I heard the ancient Romans used to torture people by just _not_ letting them ever sleep, until they just died! At least, that’s what I think I remember reading in _Ripley’s Believe It Or Not_ back when I was, like, twelve! No! Wait! I was very much _exactly like_ 12 at the time, and very much _unlike_ 11, and 13, and all of the other numbers! ### I was exactly TWELVE if I do recall correctly, _glug glug glug glug gl_— > Dude. Are you okay? Hurrhhh? What? Who's that!? > It's @brandt. Are you okay? Hey @brandt. No. I’m okay. I’m fine. I’m exactly fine, actually, no more no less, and— > Madman, you have _got_ to stop drinking so much. I know, I know. > How much have you had? I don’t know. I don’t know. Let me see. More than one but less than one hundred. Uhh, looks like… looks like, well, I guess I’ve had about 70 or 80 shots, I guess. > Jesus Christ, dude. … What is this you’ve been drinking, anyway? Is this espresso!? Yeah. > Dude! I know. > <_sigh_> Look, I’m sorry man. I really am tr— > No. Just… just shut up, okay? But man, I’m trying so hard to— > Shut your fucking face! I am just so fucking sick of your shit. If you won’t quit with the caffeine, then I’m taking us _both_ back down into that neverending downward spiral you keep trying to get us out of! No! Please, no! I’ll do anything. Anything at all! Please just don’t— > Shut your goddamn fucking face!! You’re drinking all TWELVE of these beers with me, right now, whether you like it or not! But I— > ### Drink with me now, madman! > ## For tonight we sleep with Madam Inebriation!!

![insomnia 2.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmS9GdSwJLwyMLxkMzsqFeDWEKeEMy9qhMD4JbcytuPBmg/insomnia%202.jpg)

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_{_All I want to do right now, is sleep… forever._} _{THE NEVERENDING STANDUP — EPISODE 5 — “SLEEPING WITH MADAM INSOMNIA”} _{DAYS SINCE LAST ALCOHOL: kill me}