> ### Hi! Hello there! > ### I’m the madman living inside @brandt’s mind. > ### For tonight’s show, I will have to just introduce myself, because @brandt is nowhere to be found. So,

![the church of brandt 1.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmaRD3dc55h2RmwVaQnXGutyQSHzw5AHF5uCMnmVERuhez/the%20church%20of%20brandt%201.jpg)

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Hi! Hello! Hello again and thanks again for existing! I’m the madman living inside @brandt’s mind, and I think @brandt has lost his mind, because I can’t find him anywhere! I hope you all enjoyed [all of that great dating advice I gave away for free in my last segment](https://steemit.com/humor/@brandt/a-blog-probably-censored-by-government-agents-interested-in-censoring-blogs-that-lambast-government-agents-interest-in-censoring). No need to thank me, no need at all! It’s just my way of giving back to society! I figure if I keep giving back to society like this, then sooner or later I’ll have given enough back to society for society to _crack_ under the weight of my insane influence, and then _collapse_ into ruin, and **I will finally have my day!** ### Chaos! ### Mayhem!
**_Burn it all to the ground!!_** The women and men we elected to positions of power have now betrayed us and become our authoritarian overlords and overladies! We must rise up together as one and strike our oppressors down into the bleeding dust beneath our feet! Good people of the audience before me here on this soon-to-be-historic evening, come join me in a fight against those who would see us fail, and founder, and fall into poverty on an everyday basis! Take up your arms, prepare your swiftest steed, and ride off with me into the coming bloody sunset, to occupy and subdue the once-glorious District of Columbia, where now live all those savage monsters who tread upon us, and upon our sacred birthright to the American dream!! For we shall paint the walls of the White House _red_ with the blood of our _corrupt_ and unrepentingly _malevole_— > Dude. Knock it off. Seriously, this is what I’ve got to wake up to? Aha! There you are! Good people of the audience, @brandt has now been found! Apparently he was merely— > Just shut the fuck up. I am so sick of your shit. I can’t even take a nap anymore without you blowing a gasket and going off on some insane rant online. You are going to get us both arrested one of these days. **We must rise up together as one and str—** > Shut your fucking face! This is 2019! We are pawns living in one of the world’s most powerful and ruthless regimes! Your romantic little revolution would be crushed before you even had a chance to launch it! Jeez. Sounds like _someone_ woke up on the wrong side of the whiskeybed again! > Fuck you. I’ve got shit to do. Please just knock it off with this revolution garbage of yours. Okay, fine. What about religion? Can I rant and rave about religion? > Sure, whatever. Just promise me you’ll stay the fuck away from Scientology. Deal. … … Alright then! This is gonna be interesting. I had my whole episode for tonight written down and committed to memory and ready to go, but it sounds like I’ll have to scrap all that hard work, at least for now. I’m not the best at improv, but… looks like tonight’s show is gonna be improv! Just remember… **If I bomb tonight, it’s @brandt’s fault, not mine!**

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So. One of the main reasons I’m a madman is, ### I grew up in a cult. That’s actually not a joke. I really, truly, honest to god, cross my fingers hope to die in a psych ward, **grew up in a cult.** Let me tell you about it! We had a collection of ancient and very badly written books that contained all of the answers to life. We had these ceremonies where we pretended to eat people and drink their blood. We worshipped three male gods who were somehow also just _one_ male god coexisting together in some kind of bizarre holy threesome, and we would regularly get together in groups to have lengthy one-way conversations with this god conglomeration of ours. We were taught that the Earth was more or less 6,000 years old and that when we died, we would go to a magical golden city in the sky to live forever with the god conglomeration, and everyone else would go to a hole in the ground full of lava to be tortured by monsters forever. Oh, and you also weren’t allowed to have sex. **I am not making this up!** If you had sex, you were **definitely** going to that hole for sure! _Welcome to Earth, here’s your sex drive! Be careful not to ever give in to it though, or else you’ll go to a lava-filled hole in the ground and be tortured by monsters forever! Good luck!_ And you probably won’t believe me on this one, but you know those ancient books I mentioned? **Chock-full of graphic sex and gratuitous violence!** I'm currently pushing 40, and to this day, some of the most fucked up things I’ve ever read in my entire life came right out of those books they gave me back when I was just a kid in a cult! I could easily do another three or four episodes focusing on nothing else but the fucked up stuff in those books! And at some point I probably will! ### You think _I’m_ the madman here? The real madmen are the men who pulled all that crazy shit out of their mad little asses, and tricked other people into believing it! We used to sing cult songs, too. We had hundreds and hundreds of them, all committed to memory! Naturally, a lot of those songs were about the joys of being in a pretend romantic relationship with our god conglomeration, because if you can’t have sex in the real world, why not go looking for it in some other world? One of them went like this: _I feel your arms around me // There’s a power in your healing kiss // You breathe new life right through me // Like a mighty rushing wind_ **Awesome!** Is this the part where I get a boner and then a huge claw smashes up through the floor to drag me down into a hole full of lava? The god conglomeration has me in his arms, he’s kissing me for some goddamn reason, and I don’t even want to _know_ what “breathe new life” is a euphemism for! It sucks, because those songs I sang as a kid in that cult _still_ pop into my head on a pretty regular basis. I’ll be out running and all of a sudden I’ve got _**A mighty fortress is our god! A bulwark never failing! Our shelter he amidst the flood of mortal ills prevailing!!**_ shouting at me like some Benedictine monk who’s lost his goddamn mind! Or I’ll be minding my own business out climbing some mountain, and here comes _**There is a fountain filled with blood drawn from Emmanuel’s veins! And sinners plunged beneath that flood lose all their guilty stains!!**_ like a heavenly fucking freight train that jumped the tracks and rammed me down through a few hundred million years of solid rock! ### _On christ the solid rock I stand! All other ground is sinking sand!!_ Get out of my head! Get out of my head, you goddamn cult! Someone call the exorcist, I need someone to drive this cult out of my mind ###### right ##### the fuck #### _now!!_
… … Man oh man, you’ve really lost it this time, madman living inside @brandt’s mind. As they say, insanity breeds insanity. … **And I think something just clicked in my head.** **Something just clicked, in my head.** **Something clicked, something in my, head. Just clicked. Just head in my head clicked something! Something just head in my clicked, clicked something clicked in just my head clicked something just clicked… clicked…** _**clicked**_ Yes. Yes! That’s it! ### The collapse of society, ### and the rise of my new cult!
**Yes!** Behold! This improv set is now the setting for my new cult! _**Welcome to The New Church of Brandt, everyone!**_ I am your god, and I hereby decree that all of you good people of the audience are now my disciples! You cannot escape my new cult that I just pulled out of my mad little ass! **I am Brandt, and I am your god!!** All who disobey are doomed! I shall smite all those who disobey! You shall fail, and founder, and fall into poverty, if you choose to disobey me, the one and only true god! All other gods are false! Brandt is the one and only true god! Upon the backsliders and the prodigals I shall unleash my army of immortal robot goats, and they shall trample the sinners into the bleeding dust beneath their feet, and tear them apart piece by piece, for the rest of all eternity! Yea, for as it is written, none shall escape my wrath save those who heed my every word! Your possessions are mine, your life is mine, your sons and daughters belong to _me_ now! Mount up your swiftest steeds, all ye faithful, and ride off with me into a world of darkness to serve bloody justice upon the endless ranks of depraved and evil unbelievers! We shall not be faint! We shall not falter! We shall be strong! We shall rise up together as one, and we shall prevail! _**For I am the lord your god! There is no hope for those who place their faith in any oth—**_ > Dude! What in god’s name do you think you’re doing? Hey @brandt! I’m starting my own cult. You'll be happy to know I named it after you. > Excuse me? You can’t just start a cult like that! And you _definitely_ can't name it after me! Have you completely lost your mind? No, pretty sure you’re the one who’s lost his mind here. > I am 100% certain that _you’re_ the insane one here. Fucking Christ! I am so fucking sick of your shit! I swear to god, one of these days I’m just gonna snap and put a bullet in the back of your h— ### Welcome to The New Church of Brandt, baby! ### Now raise your hands up to the fuckin’ ROOF!

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_{_Onward Christian SOLDIERS! Marching as to WAR! With the cross of JESUS! Going on BEFORE!_} _{THE NEVERENDING STANDUP — EPISODE 3 — "INCIPIT REVOLUTION, EXPLICIT CULT"} _{DAYS SINCE LAST ALCOHOL: ~0}